I’ve been here at Mums seven weeks now, I’ve never felt so tired and lonely but as I lie here in bed with Mitch at the other end with his own pillow. Since December 2017 I’ve recovered from a week in hospital with pneumonia, packed and moved out of my home, my belongings in four different locations, driven over to Spain with a friend signed up on a six month contract on a small two bed bungalow with pool for €250 each. Flue back to the UK for a lung check up, within days of landing I was told my Mum had terminal cancer, obviously I cancelled spain and moved here to stay with mum who passed away two weeks today.
I keep thinking of the blessing in having ten days of looking after mum even though in a hospital bed down stairs we had a little time together with no interference from other family members or alcohol. It was a true blessing after our toxic and manipulative relationship over the last fifty four years the circle is complete.
We met the vicar yesterday that’s leading Mums funeral we covered the service and how it will flow, the Vicar then asked the three of us to come up with an old memory each to add to the service, we have until Monday. I sat there and my mind was a blank, not one nice memory came forward in my mind, this can’t possibly be right!! Other than the ten days of looking after mum before passing to the spirit world.
I must pull myself together, this is not the way forward. I’m flying in nine days with my Granddaughter for ten days, I’m craving innocence, special time with Boo. I’ve neglected her since selling my home, once I arrive back hopefully I will be moving in to number 3. A tiny weeny cottage hidden off the high street. Six months to decide which way to go just sitting still and not having to run anymore.
To be honest I know all this, but my character after fifty three years is going to be hard to change.
I’ve been tested to the max since being born and just don’t seem to learn by the testing issue that are continually put in front of me.
Our four children are all happy secure respectable adults. Since their coming of age is where my tests in life have got harder. I’m thinking because I know longer have them to focus on, just myself.
Anyway Tims taking me out for a meal tonight To talk things through. Even this why have I put my future move in his hands? Option, with him is to stay at his flat in fleet then Spain for a couple of months. Which will be testing as I’ve totally loss respect for him. He’s basically been living a double life for nine months. Fair enough a sixteen toxic relationship is hard to brake. But why have I waited around in case he choose me? It’s very strange as my last relationship with my first love, I finished our relationship due to a huge lie he told me. Yet with Tim I keep holding on.
My body aces so bad massive fibromyalgia flare up due to pneumonia, I’m dropping everything my hands aren’t working properly, my knees throbbing and my back feels like burning flesh being palled apart by razor blades. Also packing my three bed home into boxes. When will life become calm.
It’s a very personal journey to honestly look into the dark crevices inside yourself and truly own the way you feel, the way you behave, and see what is blocking your own thriving.
Taking responsibility for how we are being and what we are doing is something that requires great courage.
facing up to what massive changes I needed to make in my life, the message of having to face my challenges alone actually empowered me.
It woke me up and made me realize that no one else could set me free from my limiting beliefs about what validated me as a person and the blocks I had about risking my security in pursuit of a more meaningful life.
I had to do this myself. I had to build a relationship with the true me and let her emerge, just as we are all called to do.
Life is an opportunity, benefit from it.Life is beauty, admire it.
Life is a dream, realize it.
Life is a challenge, meet it.
Life is a duty, complete it.
Life is a game, play it.
Life is a promise, fulfil it.
Life is sorrow, overcome it.
Life is a song, sing it.
Life is a struggle, accept it.
Life is a tragedy, confront it.
Life is an adventure, dare it.
Life is luck, make it.
Life is too precious, do not destroy it.
Life is life, fight for it. #Quote
Recently returned from Cape Verde had to place my prayer stone stack of appreciation of my life.
One day, some day our world can really changed, like illness, death, accidents. All of a sudden your perspective can change “why was I worried about all those little things” they where never important in the first place
Just hearing or seeing in the media of a world problem can change your perspective on our life’s. If life means so little then surely you should just live your life “NOW”
When you think your reaching rock bottom, when your life crashes which lets be honest at some stage everyone feels it. You lose meaning, the pain of being alive. When you don’t give a shit about what people think. A dull space!! You don’t give a shit that people keep going on about picking yourself up.
Every one experience some sort of crashes. You will wake up, feel the beauty just trust. Live for today in the now.
Sod it, just sod it. Some times you need to have a crash to wake up and to see life for what it is.
Release from your holds in life, as long as know living thing is going to get harmed or hurt LET IT GO. Walk on.
Twice since Saturday not bad ha!!! The pain of my spine & shoulder wake me once again. Mind you doesn’t take a lot, all I need do is turn. But no chance of returning to sleep again, anytime soon “Brain kicks in”
What do I have to worry about? Two Daughters having health & personal problems 27 & 15 year olds another 22 year old “Thank god” is okay, then there’s the added worry of Being made redundant, income, rent, mortgage, frustration of not being able to do things I’ve been doing all my life without paying for it or paying someone. An unhealthy relationship. My beautiful deaf Staffordshire bull cancer tumour growing way too quick.
Plus the added pressure of my studies I’ve taken on to try to bring in some sort of income, on a positive note of Holistic Pain Management. Which will also benefit myself. Oh and I forgot the cold weather has kicked in & kicked these old bones.
My friend said today you must of been a “right cow in my past life” but I believe what doesn’t brake you yep makes you!!
Do you know what keeps me going? My best Friend Lisa, Mediation, Reiki and after my meltdown, I pick myself up and firmly believe as usual my last chapter will be my BEST. Thank you all for listening. Feel better already. Love and Light Namaste 💛