I must be crazy!


Two weeks since we split due to him going back to his Ex of sixteen years, for the second time behind my back. 

I’ve spent this time, working on myself as I know I’m far from perfect. So I thought I’d put the negatives energy to good use. In my day to day life I forgive, I trust, I love and I continue to grow.  But once I have a drink of wine and don’t know my limits due to medication, my hurt and pain raise it’s nasty head, although I’ve dealt with theses feelings for some reason my subconscious refuses to heal and forget.

Twice this year I’ve found myself on the Shanan path, intrigued as from an early age I’ve always believed in the Red Indian way of life and their beliefs. I’m always attracted to turquoise, believe if we need to kill something then nothing should go to waist, life is a circle and for every natural disease there’s a gift from Mother Nature to cure it. So the first time I started looking into it was January 2017 recovering from my kidney operation and wow that was a tuff one. And now again after a deceitful relationship, strangely enough when I found out, I was so calm I need to ask my kind friend Lisa to help me understand why. Maybe due to my chronic pain raising, I have more things to contend with.  

But I believe in my heart of hearts I knew, you see their 16 year relationship has always been on off. They only lived together for four years at the beginning other than that it seems she loves his wallet and he’s addicted to her sex. She controls him with it for material things. I believe he’s really insurer deep down. Also my body doesn’t let me get away with a great amount of sex due to pain. Am I being rediculas having him back in my life? The way I see it is there’s no long term relationship going to happen between them, as he said I’ve shown him real love.

My house is sold just waiting for completion date, then I shall rent a room for a couple of weeks before heading to Spain to rent for the winter, he too wants the same thing and with him having family and friends out there it makes it easier and safer with my medical history, got to be worth a try as every winter I’m spending more and more time in bed with the damp.

So I suppose I do have an alternative motive, but also believe he really loves me. It’s not if he’s having an affair with someone new, it’s his addiction to her that needs to be broken. Or am I just a classic Empaths or codependent? 

  

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