As I sit here listening to the birds sing, surrounded by trees feeling very grateful but also totally burnt out.
I need to keep a space inside me so I can breath properly and space to do the things I want to do. Quality a little less but a little better.
Make choices that give a better quality of life, this struggle of life which has too Much in it. To honor myself and Daughters, I don’t want to look back and think “I should of done this or that” it’s what’s in our heart is what we should be doing. Make choices and decisions!
To day I’m great full for my life I live
To day I’m great full for my cottage
To day I’m great full for the sunshine
To day I’m great full for the birds singling
To day I’m great full my Daughters
To day I’m great full for the love they bring
26th April 2018
I travelled down with my younger Brother in his removal lorry, being I seem to be in a permanent chronic pain flare up these days I remembered to take my soft neck collar thank god, with a bulging C4 obviously not improving. The drive to start with started a bit awkward as everyone one has know what Mums will contains other than myself but that’s not his fault he’s a free spirit my younger brother and far from materialistic.
We stopped for breakfast around halfway and both chose avocado with cheese. As we headed off again we pulled up at our other brothers, there was this hectic noise of the car auctions, yep bidding on more cars God nine years I worked for him in that portacabin that noice hounds me. Anyway off we go to the solicitors (my brothers solicitors) also my Mums now. Into this cold sterile room, the three of us just sat there. She walks in straight away I picked up this cold energy oozing from her. So Nicola your staying at your late Mothers, this is fine but only for three months!! Um know I’m private renting!! “Oh ok that doesn’t apply then”
Shall we carry on? So Basically the long and short of it is my younger brother inherited my Mums home plus £20k, my elder Brother is executive and told Mum he didn’t need anymore money. My Sisters children a very small percentage each and myself a small percentage! She asked if we had any questions, I said yes asking if there was any stipulations on our late sisters youngest as she’s only eighteen, the solicitor raised her voice over me I replied “don’t raise your voice at me, I’m not a solicitor” yay I’ve found my voice. My elder brother carried on to say is there any notes from our Mother ” um I’m sure I remember your Mum writing one” I shall see.
As the three of us left the office I asked them “hay what’s going on with Conkie? He’s ignoring my calls” my elder Brother replied oh I had a message last week asking how I was and apologised for not attending Mums wake.
So off we all go, as I’m sat in the lorry in deep thought my Brother asked if I was okay, yep I’m fine!! But deep down I know something’s not right, Conkie has had a massive issue with my elder Brother for many years, I’ve given him a home and treated himself and his little son as my own since my sister passed, what’s going on.
I do believe
I’ve been going to drumming meditation and wow what experiences I’ve had. Just fantastic, my first I found myself walking in to the forest then a white rabbit crossed my path very strange as the environment was more outback then in a healing tent with an old Indian lady and her elders all of a sudden I could feel them pulling this illness from my neck like a long snake that just kept coming and coming but I could feel the tugging on my neck.
The second week as I was walking through the tall forest a young deer came to greet me, feeling shocked as for all the years I’ve been meditating I’ve always had a buffalo great me to take me to my destination. Along the path I picked up a catapult which I felt was to shoot me along my path. But as I lay there my hands got so hot it was making me sweat, with massive tubes of energy coming from my hands up into the universe it was amazing.
I know my Mum and I had a toxic relationship and spent more time apart than together, so why do I feel so empty and lonely since she passed?
Landed back from a lovely healing holiday with first born and Boo at 12.30am
Again lying in the sun the pain from my bones subsides along with the innocence Of a seven year old. After spending six weeks looking after Mum before she died.
2pm on Saturday I’ve moved in to the tiny two bed cottage hidden off the high street. Kitchen, bathroom and my bed all functional I lay here at 22.55pm. Boom
It’s like a brick has fallen on my head shouting “STOP” since December last year that’s four months I’ve:
Been hospitalized by pneumonia
Sold my home and packed and belonged put into storage.
Sailed out to Spain to rent
Flew back for a hospital appointment
My mum was diagnosed with terminal cancer
Moved up to Mums an hour and a half away for six weeks.
Looked after Mum before her passing.
Arranged her funeral with my brothers.
Packed Mums home up.
Went on a holiday.
Moved into a TINY cottage.
Now I lay here and wonder why I’m knackered!!!
And after making such a major decision to sell my shared ownership home due to debt also to rent in Spain for a better quality of life with my chronic pain. All this happens now!!