I’m met my elder Brother at the undertakers to choose Mums stationery and coffin for her funeral, we both agreed on light oak and the same stationary for the order of service which was an experience. I mentioned the large Rose quart my younger brother and I placed in Mums hand as she passed into the spirit world, as Mums being cremated she will give it back to us once they’ve prepared Mum for the funeral, which I will cherish. As my brother walked out rushing, I turned to give the young lady a cuddle, that we sat with, she was so loving and caring.
We crossed the road to the florist to arrange the flowers which once agin we agreed on, thinking we’d get a quote but my Brother said no I have things to do today and paid there and then on his company credit card before just walking out with no thank you’d. Again the ladies where so caring so more cuddles I gave. So off I went alone, drinking coffee in the sunshine, thinking jeez rush rush rush and control control control I suppose it’s just his way as that’s the way he’s become so successful. But is he happy!!
Returning back to Mums I took Mitch for a walk and found myself in the local church yard, sitting awhile being mindful of my surroundings, how peaceful. There’s something about churches I adore but don’t get me wrong as again I find them controlling again all about money! But just sitting there closing my eyes the sun on my face, the birds singing away and the fresh air blowing around me I felt peace!
While looking at my photos, the bottom two notice the orbs!
Took little Mitch (my Mums dog) in to the hospice today and have to say I was shocked how quickly once again her health has changed, Mum wasn’t really with it, I sat with Mitch on my lap just looking and our life flashing before my eyes.
I can’t explain how I feel, I’m numb and silent, there’s so much I want to know and ask. Why was I never good enough? What was the reason for Mums rejection? Even now everything is a secret from me, it’s all between Mum and my two brothers. Still there’s control. Why?
It started snowing “look Mum it’s snowing” Mum said it never snows here because she lives by the coast, but it snowed and it snowed hard.
This is why the hospice is called “Oakhaven“
You can not be unworthy or unloveable
But you can believe you are
Everyone you know has struggled with these beliefs!
You have nothing to hide from, being caught up in our fears stops us from seeing the bigger picture. Everyone has flaws, these are cracks where the light can shine through for growth.
You are a special beautiful being shine your light 🙏🏽
I tried, which is all that matter to me. I refuse to have toxic people around me from this moment onWards. It’s their drama their choice. For little old me it’s my children and my self.
If I can find peace and quite I will be able to show them, if I trust myself they too will learn, if I can carry on they too will learn to carry on. Shush just be quite and still, the answers will come. Your never too old to learn as anything that comes easy is not appreciated. Every lesson teaches you in one form or the other.
I still mange to walk with trees.
Painful experience can stop us from being what we are meant to be.
Have I grieved for my sister and our past? We grew up with anger but not aloud emotions due to fear. How can I relate to my past feelings and experience to have a true self worth when it’s a life time habit?
Words are important, but being dyslexic bring frustration in explaining your emotions and feelings to others.
Why, why, did our parents Deny us a voice and emotions and replace it with abuse and fear?
Why can I feel and cry for situations that have hurt me, if I could find away I know I could move forward in a positive life. Am I terrified? I can’t cry! Other than when I attended my shaman sisterhood in Greece last year, my rebirthing and having sisters around me helped me to cry by egg cleaning believe it or not, I remember being so happy that I cried for the right reasons of letting go.
Venerability is a strength, but I can’t seem to just let it go.
We all want to be liked and loved, especially as a child.