I can feel it slipping away, as I stand and here my knees about to collapse like Sunday when I started to stand up
So I’m sat here three days after coming home, I’ve still not eat meat and stuck to my lemon and ginger tea and black coffee of cause. I’m still meditating every day and working of my throats chakra.
But back to reality, my home is sold and in the hands of the solicitors. I viewed a one bedroom shared ownership flat and applied for it. As it will keep my equity in bricks and water, if I am lucky enough to get it, I would have enough left over to rent in spain for the winter, to see if it gives me a better quality of life out of the rain. If not then I shall go with the flow. I’ve just decided to apply for my wife’s (My trusted friend) home which is local council so there’s three options, buy, rent or go with the flow.
I’ve spoke to cheeky money and boyfriend in Australia and tomorrow catch up with diner with firstborn and my granddaughter. Hopefully see Bubba Monday as she’s at another festival a right little raver!
And the ex, well what can I say! He came round Thursday unexpected for coffee, asked me out for diner with his sister and brother in law Friday night, I went as it’s all to do about Spain they have purchased a big villa which they move into in October. Anyway we had a lovely meal (Vegitarian) I had two glasses of wine to his one bottle then went back to his for more drinks. They all had gin and tonic I put the kettle on for green tea, oh go on have a proper drink he says, no thank you I replied. Aventully they went. Then he was getting really bad chest pains and said I’m ok, I’m just like you it’s only pain! Mm I thought. We want to bed once I’d changed his sheets, got in with my knickers on to which he moaned. I said we have a lot to talk about and as far as I’m concerned I’m single and now was not the time to talk as he could hardly stand up.
In the morning He took me home as he was going to Bournemouth with his mates for a night out and golf on Sunday “really”
What the hell am I doing???? I need to go to Spain with him to get my name off the joint Bank account. Also to view appartments. He showed me a place for sale, I said we agreed to rent six months to one see if we get on as a couple, two to see if spains for us. We might make it or go our separate ways.
So we’ve agreed to talk Monday! I’m really hoping I get to hear about the flat to buy by next week as my money will be safe and I can always sell later.
Why if he’s not sexual attracted to me or love me would he want to be in spain with me!! My money all though not a lot? He couldn’t do it with out a woman? He’s scared? I’m a safe option?
When all though sixty, he’s still going out with his mates, sleeping with his ex which I really feel is a sad habit as they’ve not lived together for fourteen years just played. He has to spend money on her posh places in exchange for sex! As I’m writing this I realise what a sad Manhe is an addicted nature, with big dreams but lots of stress. I know, I can feel it there is good inside him but is it my job to find it!
I know in my heart it won’t work as I can’t trust him so what am I doing? I wasn’t even hurt or shocked when I’ve found out three times he’s been back to his ex.
I seem to be so grounded but my voice is getting stronger as in saying no when I feel I should but not wiped him out of my life yet. Very strange.
Well what a emotional, empowering journey. Soul sisters carried in my heart.
Last night after dancing we all went down to the village to celebrate and have a cocktail. I’ve adopted two more children one from Amsterdam and the other from sir Lanka. We had a little heart to heart and shared some stories. I then sat back and looked around me and decided to go as I was adamant I would be going to meditation at six am followed by singing bowl healing. So I left them all there and got to bed.
I walked up in the dark to the platform for my last meditation and wow I managed to be in the here and now, just beautiful and when I opened my eyes to embrace the view the sun had risen. So pieceful, what a way to start your day.
Heading back I sat for breckfast, pulled my bag down. Went in for my healing, jeez off I went. After silver (Our Shaman Teacher) said my blockages where all in my throats chakra!! Again further proof and also where all my phyicical pain comes from. I was told I’d benefit from a Lapis lazuli crystal necklace, lots of ginger and lemon and to meditate with om or hum mantra.
After saying good by to my new soul family with a few tears I headed to the airport. I received a text from my ex asking if I wanted picking up from the airport, of cause I said yes as travelling is one hell of a challenge.
I slept in the plan with my neck collor on, once we landed I notesed people looking at me, it wasn’t the collie as at this point I had taken it off. I had no makeup on, I’m sure it was my energy. I kind lady offered to pull my case down, so off I went. As I walked through he was there waiting.
On the way home he offered lunch so I thought it was a good time to talk as we’re booked to fly to Spain next week to view apartments. As I sat I ordered black coffee large and a vegetarian meal! I was so zoned out with my expierance I wanted to stay there. So nothing was really said. He dropped me home but as I was walking in, he went to kiss me, I offered him my forehead.
So today we get to make dream catchers and Indian African dancing.
We sat outside with all our materials ready to learn how to make dream catcher, I couldn’t wait as my Granddaugher collects them and I’d love to be able to make her one.
We added feathers and leafs keeping close to mother nataure.
Before Indian dancing we had a brake to chill out at the sea and boy did I need it.
Walking up to the deck our dance teacher was there warming up. We learnt a dance to help the crops.
Wow the energy again was amazing.
Rituals to remove past lovers energy. Well wow I need this one.
After meditation and yoga on the platform at 6am we have breakfast blessing our food with a pray of gratitude. We enter the tempal all walking round the same direction after dipping our feet in the clean water.
As we sit to take notes our teacher informs us about a ritual which was passed down from her grandmother in the jungle.
So basicly you collect pink rose pettals, sea salt and honey. You boil half the pettels and set aside the others. Go into your bathroom and set the seen and intention. Pink candle soft music and sweet insence. Scrub your skin from top to toe including your private parts. Then crouch down inhailing the warm rose pettels with a vail over your body, meditate with love. Then working backwards ask to be released from you ex lovers energy and to return yours going back over seven years.
Step into the shower and watch the salt and oil wash off your body and away into the plug.
Then rub honey all over your body and I mean all over your body making you body and energy sweet. The place the rose petals to your body sticking to the honey. Asking for your true mate soul partner everything you request in a partner. Then shower and put the petals back to Mother Earth.
Your body is your temple!
Again we walked the village collecting plants, herbs and rose pettals putting them into our Bowels, the villagers looking on as sixteen woman walked around collecting herbs. We had many strange looks which I found enlighting.
Back in the temple we picked with love the herbs and flowed adding oils then water. Mixing them all together then leaving to one side.
Two African drummers arrived, so we left with our bowls to walk up to the platform and left them in a row. As we stood I wondered how I was going to relax enough to dance to drums.
Once the drums started, it didn’t take long for me to relax and start, always bred attracted to drums and the beat. Before long we where all dancing the energy rising was amazing. After around thirty minutes of dancing to the beat we where told to all get closer to the plate form and slowly make our way to laying down on our fronts, the beat got faster and faster. All of a sudden being told to scream those blocked feelings out. So I started screaming with the others but in my mind I found myself worrying about the people in the village, what must they think!! Louder louder said our teacher then without hesitation I screamed so loud the tears came flooding from my eyes my heart acing. We where all there releasing our own past blockages. I screamed so much I pulled a muscle in my chest.
As we all calmed down and slowly sitting up to compose ourselves, without speaking we all collected our bowels. Thank Mother Nature for our healing plant Medicean I slowly lifted my arms above my head and tipped the bowl and contents slowly over my head, then rubbing the herbs into my skin.
I have never had such a experience with beautiful woman and one I shall never forget and hold close to my heart.
After the rebirthing I found my self texting my Mum telling her I loved her and had learnt to cry again. I felt the need to let go of all the nastiness that had filled my heart.
My boyfriend also phoned, I knew in my heart that once again he had been with his ex of sixteen years on and off. Being found out twice befor I told him, if it happened again that would be my line. With all the self worth I had gained here in Greece I firstly thanked him as had I not found out the last time I would not if booked the retreat. Then I told him I new he had been with her again, he asked “why has she contacted you again?” Might if I replied.
I told him I’m so worthy of real love and commitment I’ve felt it once in my life from Mark that was murdered around fifteen years ago, two years after the passing of my little sister. I wanted an honest conversation.
We replied all we do is get drunk!! Says a functional alcoholic and we don’t do anything. Plus I won’t let him have sex, which is true after finding out the second time. Why would I want sex with you I replied? You keep going back, which in my eyes mean your not sexual attracted to be, you don’t love me, and have no respect for me, yourself, your family so why would I?
We decided we where going nowhere and called it a day.
I’ve not cried for me for thirty seven years, after leaving home! I cried so much as a child that, I made a promise to myself that once I left home at sixteen I would not cry, that way I stayed strong and protected.
We collected herbs and plants to make a bunch to sweep the body of our partners. Starting with the right side “feminine side” my partner brushed the egg down both sides then started on the left side. Saying I release you if all your insurecuraties and blockages. Tears where rolling down my face one after another. We then sat for ten Minutes to speak. There I was telling this beautiful young Irish girl about how I was not allowed to speak or have an opinion as a child. I remember write notes to my mother asking if I could do this or that.
Afterwards I stood back up to be brushed down by the herbs and plants to brush the bad energy away. Once finished we all stood in a circle holding hands and still the tears run down my face, but I didn’t feel sad just release.
Always working on my throats chakra and attracted to terquoise, trees, nature this experience just proved I was on the write track. I am now aloud a voice in my life.