Last night at 42


Well for the last year, while I was healing from my kidney operation I decided to put 42 on the market. Mainly for a better quality of life being my health is now become a major distribution to my life. So when cheeky monkey and her partner flew to Australia the end of march I had it valued, not for getting it’s shared ownership sixty percent to Thames Vally Housing. I phoned them to say I wanted to down Size as I could no longer keep up with the garden and Maintance. I was informed to apply for a smaller property I have to have my house under offer!! Although I’ve been refused two flats.

Anyway, as soon as it went on the market it sold as I knew it would. I got scared and took it off. Plus Tim was filling my head with ideas of what we could do together.

So back it went on and sold straight away, although held up two weeks due to having pneumonia, I’ve finally finished packing.

Our happy home for fourteen years, all the four children have lived her, their partners at some stage, my wife (bests friend) I’ve had lodgers. Friends of the children. Always a open door buzzing with energy. So many memories, in fact it’s the longest I’ve lived in one house in my fifty three years of walking this universe.

I’ve sold or given away most furniture, leaving with three small tables, one small chests of draws and a small wardrobe. My cloths have been seriously thinned out into two suitcases. It’s actually been very cleansing. So where will I go or end up? Options, I rent a room at the Boyces or go to Spain until the end of May 2018 with Tim on the 20th December. Ferry booked, accommodation found. But speaking to him this morning I herd the caution and hesitation in his voice, so I took my power back and said as if tomorrow I’m homeless. I will go to the Boyces. This evening he’s come round asking me to reconsider, and to stay at his tonight. I declined and said no I want my last night here even though I’m sleeping on the sofa as I’ve sold the beds.

So what will tomorrow bring?

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The thing is I know


To be honest I know all this, but my character after fifty three years is going to be hard to change.

I’ve been tested to the max since being born and just don’t seem to learn by the testing issue that are continually put in front of me.

Our four children are all happy secure respectable adults. Since their coming of age is where my tests in life have got harder. I’m thinking because I know longer have them to focus on, just myself.

Anyway Tims taking me out for a meal tonight To talk things through. Even this why have I put my future move in his hands? Option, with him is to stay at his flat in fleet then Spain for a couple of months. Which will be testing as I’ve totally loss respect for him. He’s basically been living a double life for nine months. Fair enough a sixteen toxic relationship is hard to brake. But why have I waited around in case he choose me? It’s very strange as my last relationship with my first love, I finished our relationship due to a huge lie he told me. Yet with Tim I keep holding on.

My body aces so bad massive fibromyalgia flare up due to pneumonia, I’m dropping everything my hands aren’t working properly, my knees throbbing and my back feels like burning flesh being palled apart by razor blades. Also packing my three bed home into boxes. When will life become calm.

Twighlight Sisters Reading


06/12/17 twilight soul sisters

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Health and emotions

This year has been very dark,

Been going through a transition

A teacher of the mother wound.

It’s made me spiritually stronger

I’ve been hurting since a child,

I’ve always had to be emotionally strong

As never been emotionally supported.

Layers need peeling back

Take on everyone’s energy, need to ground and protect myself more, & say no.

Imbalance in body health

Listen to what my body is saying

Problem with throat

Sola plexus developers at the age 3 & 6 and I’m attracting narstisis from critical parent my mother.

When I’m suppress my voice, & listen to other people talking, it’s blocking my throats chakra

Need to work on throat & sacred Chaka.

Parents critical and abusive

Need to heal mothers wounds

I’m very sensitive to energy

Once my mother wound is healed I will have a better relationship with myself

Continue working/healing on myself, shadow work!

There’s a very strong man guide around me,

Psychical pain, emotional pain very weak at the moment

I am good enough, I am worthy, I am beautiful.

Financial blockage due to lack of self worth

Numbers are important, house number etc

Need to take my power back

In my past life I was a priestess, my mother took another form of life and took my power and isolated me in Glastonbury I’m here now to take my power back. It’s karma

2 years time will do a course in Glastonbury.

A lot of people look up to me!

Men

Feeling broken, keep attracting takers

I’m always looking after men, need someone to look after me! A man with morals and principles

Tim not a good feeling, not responsible enough, not been there for me at all.

Very Dishonest

Takes my energy & power

Tim he’s up & down, not sure what he wants.

He’s not deep, he needs to be looked after. I need to be bolder in my feelings don’t hold back on how I feel

Not a long term relationship

Spain go for it (I told them my two moving options) will last around three months. Go through it with him.

I need to be bolder in making decisions. Stay to long and take to long to make decisions. Round and round.

How Tim treats me is very familiar!! Like the same way Mum treats me. He takes me back to my mothers wounds. It feels Normal

Tim is here to teach me a lesson soul growth to bring piece back to my soul.

When you don’t learn your lesson the universe keeps throwing it back. If I don’t learn from Tim I will attract the same until I do.

I’m strong and that’s what they see, they feed on it and drain me. Need to drop walls and be more venerable.

He’s my lesson to honour myself

I will end it when I’m ready, I need someone more worthy of me

A twin flame connection, is going to come into my life very helpful a great connection, I will know when I feel it. On right road to finding it, keep doing what I’m doing.

Comfort is coming 2018 complete new year for me, growth

When making a decision

Is this coming from a place of fear or love?

A good self love question

I’m staying in decisions to long, be bolder it will help my growth

Self love is how I take my power back

Self love – demons teach and make us who we are.

Like

Do I need to be with Tim because he’s good for me or is this coming from fear? ANYTHING FROM FEAR IS NOT RIGHT BECAUSE FEAR IS SAFE.

Moving

Moving, me in one place & belongings in another.

Will settle first half of year.

Money restrictions

When I get a home I won’t be there much.

Cat? (Boyces) low vibration energy. I will feel it within a couple of weeks

The number of the house will be mean something to me and will be a nourishing house for business venture.

Spirituality

Keep dabbling in & out

My way forward, teaching too. Going to be a solid part of my life.

Next year group spirituality a big part of my life.

Sees me helping woman in a circle.

Concentrate on my healing career, would be a waist otherwise as I’m good at

Healing and others look up to me for it.?

Concentrate on healing career as it’s my destiny

Mama’s double


Bubba’s 18th, we went to Camden Market for the day. Bubba, J her boyfriend and myself and what a laugh we had. Bubba was in her element, at 18 she’s beating my ED, studying A levels and opened a depot shop. Up cycled festival clothing.

My beautiful sisters baby girl. Bubba’s boyfriend took the picture of us then I came across the one of Fudgie and myself. How about that for likeness.

Oh my days


So I’ve started packing as I’ve completed contracts and need to vacate my home on the 12th December, I’ve done too much as I lay in my bed my mussels contracting and bones feel so brittle.

T is in spain and doing the usual, emailed me to say he’s found a villa and I shouldn’t be stubborn and give up on my dream. He then phoned a couple of hours later saying he’s not sure as the guy seems to be a bit of a plonker!! Says one to the other” next breath saying he has lots to sort out at home to do with the business financial problems VAT etc. I’ve never known someone to contradict them self so much.

I messaged and told him my plans as I can’t rely on him and due to pneumonia it wouldn’t be safe for me to go alone any more as I’d planned so I’m renting a room.

I lay her in my three bed shared ownership home in my dark bedroom again alone not knowing where I’m really going to end up, but for some reason I feel safe and protected. Maybe as I know the kiddies are all good.

Cheeky monkey has just climbed ares rock and now heading south, bubbas working like a horse, first born has a new man, Conkie has settled in to his new home. My job is done!