Organic homegrown herbsΒ 

Last time I will be growing my herbs, salad and veggies in my lovely garden. Having lived here for fourteen years our happy home after my beautiful sister passing away in 2000.

Everything comes to an end, due to disability and debt it’s time to say good by. But all four kiddys have their own life’s now and they’ve all done so well, my heart pumps with pride.

So another eight weeks and new beginning start again. My last chapter πŸ™πŸ½


Sending you loving, to move on with my lifeΒ 

Sat thinking oh my, there are three people that have put an offer in on my shared ownership home. My thought was to sell due to debt and disability and long term rent in spain. For €500 I can rent a two bed in a safe environment plus hoping for a better quality of life due to warmer and dryer climate. But this morning I’ve woken up with all the pain again on my shoulders and right side of my neck. Only five days ago I had five steroids injections on the right side of my neck. Am I really kidding myself!!

Trapped, between debt and illness. Having to sell my family home to clear debt having know where enough to buy anything else. I’ve been told I have to live off my capital until my benefits can kick back in.

Not what I planned for my life, to add to it I keep finding myself getting involved with toxic men maybe because I’m a emypth, I’m so wanting to make others fre better and forget about myself, even more so my children are all independent. 

What a waist of energy. 

Got to brake the circleΒ 

When will I learn! I fall fast and hard in love and this has to be the last time, who would of thought falling in love could effect your health.

Met this guy back in February 2017 we knew each other back in the eighties anyway the thing was that we both had plans to sell our homes and move to Spain it was like the universe had put him in front of me on purpose.

Four months in and he’s been unfaith which I found out by mistake. So broken, not by him so much but by myself choosing a rebel with a ego once again. Anyway I decided to forgive him and move on, as it was with his ex with sixteen years history.

He’s now sold his house I’ve helped him move into his flat with no mortgage and he’s settled. Looking at my own life jeez 2017 kidney operation back in January. Had my plan to sell due to debt and benefits, but guess what? Yep still here. 

Thinking of words: if it Doesn’t work out you can go back to plan A. Now he’s wanting to rent in spain and not buy. Advising to keep my shared ownership home as a base and put his son here to rent one room. If I can’t get over him being unfaithful he’d rather go alone, he was going to rent his flat out but now not sure!

Why do I attract these men and why do I put so much of my energy into them? When  living with chronic pain and fatigue?

I’m so scared and maybe over analysed things but still at fifty three can’t get it right, someone to love me for me without being a doormat! 

Thursday I gave a dear friend reiki and guided meditation on letting go and self worth it was beautiful to feel I’d helped someone. But yet I also help the wrong ones at a cost to my health.

I also had a call from mother well two hours, explaining why she’s buying her next home in my brothers name. Blur blur blur as usual it ended up with me having to put the phone down for every running me down fifty three years of it!  she gave birth to me at sixteen I’m blamed for taking her life and my beautiful deceased sisters children. My sister would have done the same for me had I died at a young age leaving my children motherless. My mum I’m afraid is a narstistis Mother and treated my sister and myself the same, where our brothers could do no wrong. To top it off she’s also a alcoholic. I’ve tried so many times for her exceptans but now come to terms this will never happen.

So all in all a very emotional week. Do I go forward with this man that’s not excacley bring anything to my life! Although he’s purchased a holiday to Spain for us both in two weeks, also to get our NI numbers and Spanish bank accounts. Which I will need either way.

Sat in bed on a Saturday morning 10.04 with out the energy to get up. The kiddies keep me going all four of them I’m so proud of them all. 

So the day has comeΒ 

My six weeks are up, time for the stent to come out from my kidney. I have to admit I’m not looking forward to this, as it’s under a local ooh.

Yestday I had the pain clinic for my neck, change of medication and high doses. How high can you go? Followed by injections. Oh the joys.

But one must remember I’m lucky as in the NHS having travelled to places that don’t have it.