So as I lay here on my mums bed totally fatigued and throbbing burning pain from my spine, “I think to myself what a wonderful world” haha that just popped out. But truly I’ve signed up to a private rent cottage, I’m 54 what can I do with my life whilst feeling this amount of pain. I’ve been down the pain killer root, zombie comes to mind!
I’ve over the last couple of years educated myself on nutrition, pain management of my own pain, qualified Reiki healer, meditator, yoga, I’ve been palled to shamisam over the last year, I know the weather makes a huge difference but let’s be honest, how am I ever going to financially manage to live abroad and live? There must be something, I can’t lift nor carry due to my neck. I refuse to let this be my life.
Was meant to be heading back to my children today but I can hardly walk, the rain is heavy and a day full. Back burning my head bounding, my feet are curled up with what I imagined razor blades going through them fibromyalgia flare up with revenge. The reason I was renting in Spain before mums terminal diagnosis. Half the price too. Physical and mental pain rolled into one, but I’m still here to see, feel, hear and smell our beautiful universe.
5am been awake since three what have I let myself into and why oh why don’t I listen to my own advice and trust my gut feeling!!
This time last year I was in hospital having my kidney operation and on recovery I decided to sell my home for a better quality of life. Which lead to a stressful 2017 leading into pneumonia the end of November. Since then I have packed my home which is being stored in five locations, travelled over to Spain with Tim in his car as I couldn’t fly as agreed as friends, signed a contract on a two bed bungalow which is a five minute drive to amenities, spent Christmas and New Year with his family and friends in Spain. When I agreed to come out as friends I agreed as we can cut cost between us, also have to admit felt vulnerable about my Heath after my last hospital admission. How am I to expect my children to ever be proud of their momma!
As I lay here in a single bed, as we are in separate bedrooms, I think back to last year and just confirmed by rereading my blog that the Tim I kept dreaming of and kept seeing from a distance was my first love Tim P. I bumped into Tim S in February last year and we started dating, although we’ve carried on as just friends to be honest it been a nightmare and the most disrespectful relationship and friendship I’ve ever found myself in.
It’s myself I need to question, why would I want to be in the company of such a toxic person? Am I scared? Am I lonely? Theses are the answers I need to find, there within me. Self worth!
Happy home with lots of fantastic memories. With my sisters and my children, their friends that have lived here, my wife, Jazz my Staffordshire bull terrier and so many more, my door was always open, gone because my health has let down with an invisible illness which started eleven years ago. On the plus side debts paid off and a new chapter awaites.
To be honest I know all this, but my character after fifty three years is going to be hard to change.
I’ve been tested to the max since being born and just don’t seem to learn by the testing issue that are continually put in front of me.
Our four children are all happy secure respectable adults. Since their coming of age is where my tests in life have got harder. I’m thinking because I know longer have them to focus on, just myself.
Anyway Tims taking me out for a meal tonight To talk things through. Even this why have I put my future move in his hands? Option, with him is to stay at his flat in fleet then Spain for a couple of months. Which will be testing as I’ve totally loss respect for him. He’s basically been living a double life for nine months. Fair enough a sixteen toxic relationship is hard to brake. But why have I waited around in case he choose me? It’s very strange as my last relationship with my first love, I finished our relationship due to a huge lie he told me. Yet with Tim I keep holding on.
My body aces so bad massive fibromyalgia flare up due to pneumonia, I’m dropping everything my hands aren’t working properly, my knees throbbing and my back feels like burning flesh being palled apart by razor blades. Also packing my three bed home into boxes. When will life become calm.
So I’ve started packing as I’ve completed contracts and need to vacate my home on the 12th December, I’ve done too much as I lay in my bed my mussels contracting and bones feel so brittle.
T is in spain and doing the usual, emailed me to say he’s found a villa and I shouldn’t be stubborn and give up on my dream. He then phoned a couple of hours later saying he’s not sure as the guy seems to be a bit of a plonker!! Says one to the other” next breath saying he has lots to sort out at home to do with the business financial problems VAT etc. I’ve never known someone to contradict them self so much.
I messaged and told him my plans as I can’t rely on him and due to pneumonia it wouldn’t be safe for me to go alone any more as I’d planned so I’m renting a room.
I lay her in my three bed shared ownership home in my dark bedroom again alone not knowing where I’m really going to end up, but for some reason I feel safe and protected. Maybe as I know the kiddies are all good.
Cheeky monkey has just climbed ares rock and now heading south, bubbas working like a horse, first born has a new man, Conkie has settled in to his new home. My job is done!