5am been awake since three what have I let myself into and why oh why don’t I listen to my own advice and trust my gut feeling!!
This time last year I was in hospital having my kidney operation and on recovery I decided to sell my home for a better quality of life. Which lead to a stressful 2017 leading into pneumonia the end of November. Since then I have packed my home which is being stored in five locations, travelled over to Spain with Tim in his car as I couldn’t fly as agreed as friends, signed a contract on a two bed bungalow which is a five minute drive to amenities, spent Christmas and New Year with his family and friends in Spain. When I agreed to come out as friends I agreed as we can cut cost between us, also have to admit felt vulnerable about my Heath after my last hospital admission. How am I to expect my children to ever be proud of their momma!
As I lay here in a single bed, as we are in separate bedrooms, I think back to last year and just confirmed by rereading my blog that the Tim I kept dreaming of and kept seeing from a distance was my first love Tim P. I bumped into Tim S in February last year and we started dating, although we’ve carried on as just friends to be honest it been a nightmare and the most disrespectful relationship and friendship I’ve ever found myself in.
It’s myself I need to question, why would I want to be in the company of such a toxic person? Am I scared? Am I lonely? Theses are the answers I need to find, there within me. Self worth!
Yep not the most perfect arrangement but as I’m of no fixed abo in the UK after selling my home,I’ve managed to get to Spain until the end of May to see if it makes any difference to my health. I’ve come out with Tim as friends as I will know longer except his behaviour with his ex.
If something grows in our time in Spain it grows but knowing he will be going back to the UK more than needed and knowing I finely trust myself and spiritual guidance I will know if he spends time with her, I’ve reached my switch off time. Having nothing to loose being here as friends, I shall gather more confidence and piece.
Happy home with lots of fantastic memories. With my sisters and my children, their friends that have lived here, my wife, Jazz my Staffordshire bull terrier and so many more, my door was always open, gone because my health has let down with an invisible illness which started eleven years ago. On the plus side debts paid off and a new chapter awaites.
To be honest I know all this, but my character after fifty three years is going to be hard to change.
I’ve been tested to the max since being born and just don’t seem to learn by the testing issue that are continually put in front of me.
Our four children are all happy secure respectable adults. Since their coming of age is where my tests in life have got harder. I’m thinking because I know longer have them to focus on, just myself.
Anyway Tims taking me out for a meal tonight To talk things through. Even this why have I put my future move in his hands? Option, with him is to stay at his flat in fleet then Spain for a couple of months. Which will be testing as I’ve totally loss respect for him. He’s basically been living a double life for nine months. Fair enough a sixteen toxic relationship is hard to brake. But why have I waited around in case he choose me? It’s very strange as my last relationship with my first love, I finished our relationship due to a huge lie he told me. Yet with Tim I keep holding on.
My body aces so bad massive fibromyalgia flare up due to pneumonia, I’m dropping everything my hands aren’t working properly, my knees throbbing and my back feels like burning flesh being palled apart by razor blades. Also packing my three bed home into boxes. When will life become calm.
So I’ve started packing as I’ve completed contracts and need to vacate my home on the 12th December, I’ve done too much as I lay in my bed my mussels contracting and bones feel so brittle.
T is in spain and doing the usual, emailed me to say he’s found a villa and I shouldn’t be stubborn and give up on my dream. He then phoned a couple of hours later saying he’s not sure as the guy seems to be a bit of a plonker!! Says one to the other” next breath saying he has lots to sort out at home to do with the business financial problems VAT etc. I’ve never known someone to contradict them self so much.
I messaged and told him my plans as I can’t rely on him and due to pneumonia it wouldn’t be safe for me to go alone any more as I’d planned so I’m renting a room.
I lay her in my three bed shared ownership home in my dark bedroom again alone not knowing where I’m really going to end up, but for some reason I feel safe and protected. Maybe as I know the kiddies are all good.
Cheeky monkey has just climbed ares rock and now heading south, bubbas working like a horse, first born has a new man, Conkie has settled in to his new home. My job is done!
So tomorrow lunchtime I can go home. Reviewing my week in hospital, just laying in piece and quite without having to comfort someone else. Just absorbing how Ill I actually was my observations when first entering the A&E where septic pneumonia. The stress I put on myself though.
My poor kiddies have heard me for the last three years moaning about the cost of our home especially since my health deteriorating. It’s been our happy home since Francean passed. But looking back it’s bricks and water, I’m sure they’d all rather have a chilled happy Muma that’s always moaning about lack of funds. In fact I wonder if that’s why I have a lack of funds!!
Also reflecting T has gone too, I knew he was wearing me out with broken promises, lies he couldn’t make a decision for himself let alone us. Shame but, more to the reason is why do I allow the behaviour to carry on for so long before having enough? Have I not paid enough! Don’t I deserve to be loved.
Well guess what I could of loss my life in the last week, my children their Muma, my granddaughter her Nana. I will survive and so will my darlings.
So a sudden phone call none of wish was of any source of information, waisting my air as I can’t speak due to lack of oxygen. Then it clicked, his best mate was on a date..
So I decided to send a quick message “please tell me your not with her while I’m in her?” Of cause he was. The reply !!
No I’m not don’t worry I’m ok and I promise you I’m playing golf I’ll get nick to speak to you from golf club. I’m meeting him for a quick beer before they go to comedy club. Ok x
I just knew what a twat, but then I’ve put so much pressure on him the last two weeks I’ve found myself questioning why? For every broken promises he told I’ve pushed, for the simple fact that he makes promised. Knowing I was moving from my home, mind it was a nice jester when he said “move in with me?” ” that’s very kind of you but no thank you” because it’s another broken promises, half the reason I’m in here. Totally run down with my normal health, moving, trying to find the right path, and T nine months of broken promises.
Why do I let these relationships go on and on an on! It’s like self harming, like I deserve to be treated like this and I could of called it off months ago. But no I need more pain. It’s like I’m being a martyr grab the pain then move on to the next relationship. If I can’t mend them then I deserve pain so I take the relationship all the way even though I know it over and all my boundaries have been crossed.
We’ll all done now and my gosh I feel better. Day five in hospital no visitors today but you know, they all have busy life’s and I’m meeting new people in here.
I thought I’d go on a little walk down the stairs then back again jeez this pneumonia has abused my lungs… I’m thinking yoga meditation.