Normally I’m constructive, positive loving but right now I’ve never felt so lonely, again I’m making my elder Brother feel better about his emotions that come through by text every weekend. Like he’s the only one that’s loved!!
I let the feeling melt away
I’ve been here at Mums seven weeks now, I’ve never felt so tired and lonely but as I lie here in bed with Mitch at the other end with his own pillow. Since December 2017 I’ve recovered from a week in hospital with pneumonia, packed and moved out of my home, my belongings in four different locations, driven over to Spain with a friend signed up on a six month contract on a small two bed bungalow with pool for €250 each. Flue back to the UK for a lung check up, within days of landing I was told my Mum had terminal cancer, obviously I cancelled spain and moved here to stay with mum who passed away two weeks today.
I keep thinking of the blessing in having ten days of looking after mum even though in a hospital bed down stairs we had a little time together with no interference being other family members or alcohol. It was a true blessing after our toxic and manipulative relationship over the last fifty four years the circle is complete.
We met the vicar yesterday that’s leading Mums funeral we covered the service and how it will flow, the Vicar then asked the three of us to come up with an old memory each to add to the service, we have until Monday. I sat there and my mind was a blank, not one nice memory came forward in my mind, this can’t possibly be right!! Other than the ten days of looking after mum before passing to the spirit world.
I must pull myself together, this is not the way forward. I’m flying in nine days with my Granddaughter for ten days, I’m pining innocence, special time with Boo. I’ve neglected her since selling my home, once I arrive back hopefully I will me moving in to number 3. A tiny weeny cottage hidden of the high street. Six months to decide which way to go just sitting still and not running.
So as I lay here on my mums bed totally fatigued and throbbing burning pain from my spine, “I think to myself what a wonderful world” haha that just popped out. But truly I’ve signed up to a private rent cottage, I’m 54 what can I do with my life whilst feeling this amount of pain. I’ve been down the pain killer root, zombie comes to mind!
I’ve over the last couple of years educated myself on nutrition, pain management of my own pain, qualified Reiki healer, meditator, yoga, I’ve been palled to shamisam over the last year, I know the weather makes a huge difference but let’s be honest, how am I ever going to financially manage to live abroad and live? There must be something, I can’t lift nor carry due to my neck. I refuse to let this be my life.
My eldest Brother my sister and I and Nan and Grandads Green Hedges, happy days in Grandads garden.
My Mum on the left, my eldest Daughter and I, the only photo I’ve come across of my Mum and I.
My cheeky little sister and I when we where sweet and young.
I traveled home on Saturday a day late due to my pain flare up but I got there. I arrived at the storage yard where my home is being stored, popping a few more bits in it looked so empty knowing I had a three bed home stored there. It was such a large decision selling as it was all of ours home base and the longest time I had ever spent in one home in my 53 years of age. Being shared ownership and medically retired I really had no option.
Firstly I popped round my wifey, a busy loving home they keep me grounded, with all their problems they still manage to be so loving and together, I sneaked her out for a quick half a larger and a chat so we could have a quick catch up. I then found I had two hours to kill before going to my friends for a sofa sleep. Driving around I felt so lonely and empty no fixed abow at my age. How did I get it so wrong. Shorty 6.30 arrived so I turned up with two bottom of vino made myself comfy whilst Ali cooked a lovely curry from scratch it was mouth watering, having a giggle I found myself looking in and jealousy popping its ugly head. Stop it it was my choice to sell. The following morning was Mothers Day ouch bang who’ll op. Feeling uncomfortable as Ali’s children where wishing her happy mother day I quickly left and headed to the local coffee shop. I feel like I don’t belong anywhere more now than ever. Then I found myself in the local shopping centre try to find some to wear for my Mums funeral what the hell!! Yes I was having a blue feeling sorry for myself day. What had my life been for. Dysfunctional cruel upbringing, unsuccessful relationships, chronic illness blur blur blur pull yourself together woman was circling round in my head.
I headed back to first borns where my girls where all together cooking me a roast diner, really look this is what it’s about stop running, you’ve been running all your life. I found myself wanting to run back to Mums in the forest miles away from friends and family.
The following morning after a nights sleep in my Granddaughters bed, I headed over for my second viewing on the cottage with my cousin, I asked her to come along as I know I’m not thinking straight plus obviously she knows the family history. She too lady bed it, although tiny with no storage for the price It had an out door space, a village I love and close to my Babies. I signed up three weeks to go. Back at the forest, I realised it’s not the forest but having a home.
Missing my Mum and what could of been I think in the bottom of my heart I always thought that there would always be time to have a normal loving mother daughter relationship and to be excepted for me by Mum, feeling cheated but blessed for having the short time that we had.
Mum and first born, 28 years ago.