I can feel the hurt 


I can feel it slipping away, as I stand and here my knees about to collapse like Sunday when I started to stand up  

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How do you make such a large Decision? Help appreciated 


So my shared ownership home is underoffer and in the hands of solicitors. Reason being, due to my health and disability I have over time got into debt. Now all my children have left and have their own life’s to lead it’s also a empty nest. Once the sale go’s through I will leave with a lump of money but not enough to buy. As I’m on benefits, they will end until my equity is down to £6k in other words I will have to live on my equity. It breaks my heart as this home is still the HOME. My debt aren’t high compared to others in total £6k. I worked so hard as a one parent family to keep this happy home. 

So I can move in to my man friends place for a while and do winter months in Spain (better for my health) and if we work I could maybe get a rent to buy having a biggish deposit. That way I’m safeguarding my equity. 

Or go it alone, dead rent but who knows what’s round the corner? 

Or cancel the sale on his word, rent his place out, as he mortgage free which would cover my mortgage and a winter rent in spain. But this would mean him moving in, which would be great if only I can trust his word!!!

You see he’s been unfaithful twice and I’ve forgiven him! It was his ex of 16 years and I know in my heart he has no future with her as they’ve not lived together for over twelve years. An on off toxic relationship. I believe it’s a phyisical attraction. He takes her to nice expensive places in return for sex. He’s sixty years old but when together we really enjoy each others company, laugh, eat the same foods and have the same dreams.

So what the hell am I going to do, this home will be worth a bomb in the future it has so much prudential. 

Oh Dear!


Sat here and right now I should be in spain looking at long term let in spain.

My gut told me he didn’t really want to go due to work etc!!!!

I invited him round for diner as I need to speak face to face.

I wanted to make sure I got my name off our joint bank account. But to be true to myself I would of just hated being there for a week with him. So I let him speed he didn’t want to go due to work either. I can read him like a book. So as he went back once more to his ex for sex. I showed him the door. 

Rejection!!!!! My life 

Conclusion 


So I’m sat here three days after coming home, I’ve still not eat meat and stuck to my lemon and ginger tea and black coffee of cause. I’m still meditating every day and working of my throats chakra. 

But back to reality, my home is sold and in the hands of the solicitors. I viewed a one bedroom shared ownership flat and applied for it. As it will keep my equity in bricks and water, if I am lucky enough to get it, I would have enough left over to rent in spain for the winter, to see if it gives me a better quality of life out of the rain. If not then I shall go with the flow. I’ve just decided to apply for my wife’s (My trusted friend)  home which is local council so there’s three options, buy, rent or go with the flow. 

I’ve spoke to cheeky money and boyfriend in Australia and tomorrow catch up with diner with firstborn and my granddaughter. Hopefully see Bubba Monday as she’s at another festival a right little raver!

And the ex, well what can I say! He came round Thursday unexpected for coffee, asked me out for diner with his sister and brother in law Friday night, I went as it’s all to do about Spain they have purchased a big villa which they move into in October. Anyway we had a lovely meal (Vegitarian) I had two glasses of wine to his one bottle then went back to his for more drinks. They all had gin and tonic I put the kettle on for green tea, oh go on have a proper drink he says, no thank you I replied. Aventully they went. Then he was getting really bad chest pains and said I’m ok, I’m just like you it’s only pain! Mm I thought. We want to bed once I’d changed his sheets, got in with my knickers on to which he moaned. I said we have a lot to talk about and as far as I’m concerned I’m single and now was not the time to talk as he could hardly stand up. 

In the morning He took me home as he was going to Bournemouth with his mates for a night out and golf on Sunday “really”

What the hell am I doing???? I need to go to Spain with him to get my name off the joint Bank account. Also to view appartments. He showed me a place for sale, I said we agreed to rent six months to one see if we get on as a couple, two to see if spains for us. We might make it or go our separate ways. 

So we’ve agreed to talk Monday! I’m really hoping I get to hear about the flat to buy by next week as my money will be safe and I can always sell later. 

Why if he’s not sexual attracted to me or love me would he want to be in spain with me!! My money all though not a lot? He couldn’t do it with out a woman? He’s scared? I’m a safe option? 

When all though sixty, he’s still going out with his mates, sleeping with his ex which I really feel is a sad habit as they’ve not lived together for fourteen years just played. He has to spend money on her posh places in exchange for sex! As I’m writing this I realise what a sad Manhe is an addicted nature, with big dreams but lots of stress. I know, I can feel it there is good inside him but is it my job to find it!

I know in my heart it won’t work as I can’t trust him so what am I doing? I wasn’t even hurt or shocked when I’ve found out three times he’s been back to his ex. 

I seem to be so grounded but my voice is getting stronger as in saying no when I feel I should but not wiped him out of my life yet. Very strange. 

Time to fly back home 


Well what a emotional, empowering journey. Soul sisters carried in my heart. 

Last night after dancing we all went down to the village to celebrate and have a cocktail. I’ve adopted two more children one from Amsterdam and the other from sir Lanka. We had a little heart to heart and shared some stories. I then sat back and looked around me and decided to go as I was adamant I would be going to meditation at six am followed by singing bowl healing. So I left them all there and got to bed. 

I walked up in the dark to the platform for my last meditation and wow I managed to be in the here and now, just beautiful and when I opened my eyes to embrace the view the sun had risen. So pieceful, what a way to start your day. 

Heading back I sat for breckfast, pulled my bag down. Went in for my healing, jeez off I went. After silver (Our Shaman Teacher) said my blockages where all in my throats chakra!! Again further proof and also where all my phyicical pain comes from. I was told I’d benefit from a Lapis lazuli crystal necklace, lots of ginger and lemon and to meditate with om or hum mantra. 

After saying good by to my new soul family with a few tears I headed to the airport. I received a text from my ex asking if I wanted picking up from the airport, of cause I said yes as travelling is one hell of a challenge.

I slept in the plan with my neck collor on, once we landed I notesed people looking at me, it wasn’t the collie as at this point I had taken it off. I had no makeup on, I’m sure it was my energy. I kind lady offered to pull my case down, so off I went. As I walked through he was there waiting.

On the way home he offered lunch so I thought it was a good time to talk as we’re booked to fly to Spain next week to view apartments. As I sat I ordered black coffee large and a vegetarian meal! I was so zoned out with my expierance I wanted to stay there. So nothing was really said. He dropped me home but as I was walking in, he went to kiss me, I offered him my forehead. 

Day seven, Dream Catchers & Indian Dancing 


So today we get to make dream catchers and Indian African dancing. 

We sat outside with all our materials ready to learn how to make dream catcher, I couldn’t wait as my Granddaugher collects them and I’d love to be able to make her one. 

We added feathers and leafs keeping close to mother nataure. 

Before Indian dancing we had a brake to chill out at the sea and boy did I need it. 

Walking up to the deck our dance teacher was there warming up. We learnt a dance to help the crops.

Wow the energy again was amazing.