My eldest Brother my sister and I and Nan and Grandads Green Hedges, happy days in Grandads garden.
My Mum on the left, my eldest Daughter and I, the only photo I’ve come across of my Mum and I.
My cheeky little sister and I when we where sweet and young.
I traveled home on Saturday a day late due to my pain flare up but I got there. I arrived at the storage yard where my home is being stored, popping a few more bits in it looked so empty knowing I had a three bed home stored there. It was such a large decision selling as it was all of ours home base and the longest time I had ever spent in one home in my 53 years of age. Being shared ownership and medically retired I really had no option.
Firstly I popped round my wifey, a busy loving home they keep me grounded, with all their problems they still manage to be so loving and together, I sneaked her out for a quick half a larger and a chat so we could have a quick catch up. I then found I had two hours to kill before going to my friends for a sofa sleep. Driving around I felt so lonely and empty no fixed abow at my age. How did I get it so wrong. Shorty 6.30 arrived so I turned up with two bottom of vino made myself comfy whilst Ali cooked a lovely curry from scratch it was mouth watering, having a giggle I found myself looking in and jealousy popping its ugly head. Stop it it was my choice to sell. The following morning was Mothers Day ouch bang who’ll op. Feeling uncomfortable as Ali’s children where wishing her happy mother day I quickly left and headed to the local coffee shop. I feel like I don’t belong anywhere more now than ever. Then I found myself in the local shopping centre try to find some to wear for my Mums funeral what the hell!! Yes I was having a blue feeling sorry for myself day. What had my life been for. Dysfunctional cruel upbringing, unsuccessful relationships, chronic illness blur blur blur pull yourself together woman was circling round in my head.
I headed back to first borns where my girls where all together cooking me a roast diner, really look this is what it’s about stop running, you’ve been running all your life. I found myself wanting to run back to Mums in the forest miles away from friends and family.
The following morning after a nights sleep in my Granddaughters bed, I headed over for my second viewing on the cottage with my cousin, I asked her to come along as I know I’m not thinking straight plus obviously she knows the family history. She too lady bed it, although tiny with no storage for the price It had an out door space, a village I love and close to my Babies. I signed up three weeks to go. Back at the forest, I realised it’s not the forest but having a home.
Missing my Mum and what could of been I think in the bottom of my heart I always thought that there would always be time to have a normal loving mother daughter relationship and to be excepted for me by Mum, feeling cheated but blessed for having the short time that we had.
Mum and first born, 28 years ago.
Mitch is my new friend, since my Mum passing he’s like a shadow. We walk everyday admittedly not far as my body’s pained. He sleeps with me in his own pillow, he even lays beside me whilst I do my morning stretch yoga. We will both be broken once we find a loving home, as I’m moving the begging of April into my rented accommodation, sadly they don’t allow pets.
Today was the day you where taken so young at 33 eighteen years, yesterday Mum left us to be with you her heart broken but now at peace with you soon to be flying high.
Welcome Mum with open arms and show her the way. What a journey our life’s have been although we had some real crazy times I hold close to my heart until we meet again.