So here I am

Why don’t I trust my gut feelings, being spiritual you’d think I would. All I want is stillness without judgement.

Once Christmas is over and our first trip back to the UK so he can catch up he’s side and I can catch up with my hospital appointment, only then will I have the true head space to thin about my future plans.

Why I got pulled into coming with Tim S as friends paying my way, I’d like to add. I just want stillness, when am I going to stop feeling for others and not myself.

Well I know I’m getting there, once I find my breath and not deniable if my own feelings. Peace


I’ve managed to get to Spain

Yep not the most perfect arrangement but as I’m of no fixed abo in the UK after selling my home,I’ve managed to get to Spain until the end of May to see if it makes any difference to my health. I’ve come out with Tim as friends as I will know longer except his behaviour with his ex.

If something grows in our time in Spain it grows but knowing he will be going back to the UK more than needed and knowing I finely trust myself and spiritual guidance I will know if he spends time with her, I’ve reached my switch off time. Having nothing to loose being here as friends, I shall gather more confidence and piece.

So here I am

Friday night and I’m sat alone in peace and quite, it’s been five day since I moved in with Tim. On the actual day of moving in I told him I was going to rent a room at my long tine family friends the Boyces. But he was adamant I should move in with him and sail to Spain on the 20th December to spend the winter in Spain. Well when your bones hurt like mine that sounds like paradise. So I went along with his idea moved my boxes into his spare room and my suitcase into the hall way.

Iv had a fibromyalgia flare up from hell since moving, it’s so hard to try and explain it to others, you can’t sleep as moving awakes you, electric zapping pain that Tares you apart but ha ho it is what it is, it’s now part of me.

Thursday morning I awoke at 5am one Tim went to work I thought I’d have a little clean starting with the kitchen there was a white receipt I looked at it before placing on the table with other paper work and there before my eyes was a hotel receipt for a hotel in Portsmouth dated 2nd December. He told me he got back from Spain on 4th, so whilst emailing me saying not to be stubborn and give up on my dream of doing winters in Spain to improve my quality of life blur blur blur!! Obviously he was messaging her as well and treated her to a weekend away, whilst I was at home packing. It wasn’t until the Tuesday after I phoned him to say okay I will come to Spain with you and stay with you the week before leaving. Thus is obviously when he told her once again it was over.

So now what!! Why the hell don’t I listen to my intuition, will I ever learn.

On the plus side I chilling in his flat whilst he’s down the road treating his staff to a Christmas meal and drinks knowing he will come crawling in bouncing of the walls. Is this peace!

It’s gone

Happy home with lots of fantastic memories. With my sisters and my children, their friends that have lived here, my wife, Jazz my Staffordshire bull terrier and so many more, my door was always open, gone because my health has let down with an invisible illness which started eleven years ago. On the plus side debts paid off and a new chapter awaites.

Last night at 42

Well for the last year, while I was healing from my kidney operation I decided to put 42 on the market. Mainly for a better quality of life being my health is now become a major distribution to my life. So when cheeky monkey and her partner flew to Australia the end of march I had it valued, not for getting it’s shared ownership sixty percent to Thames Vally Housing. I phoned them to say I wanted to down Size as I could no longer keep up with the garden and Maintance. I was informed to apply for a smaller property I have to have my house under offer!! Although I’ve been refused two flats.

Anyway, as soon as it went on the market it sold as I knew it would. I got scared and took it off. Plus Tim was filling my head with ideas of what we could do together.

So back it went on and sold straight away, although held up two weeks due to having pneumonia, I’ve finally finished packing.

Our happy home for fourteen years, all the four children have lived her, their partners at some stage, my wife (bests friend) I’ve had lodgers. Friends of the children. Always a open door buzzing with energy. So many memories, in fact it’s the longest I’ve lived in one house in my fifty three years of walking this universe.

I’ve sold or given away most furniture, leaving with three small tables, one small chests of draws and a small wardrobe. My cloths have been seriously thinned out into two suitcases. It’s actually been very cleansing. So where will I go or end up? Options, I rent a room at the Boyces or go to Spain until the end of May 2018 with Tim on the 20th December. Ferry booked, accommodation found. But speaking to him this morning I herd the caution and hesitation in his voice, so I took my power back and said as of tomorrow I’m homeless. I will go to the Boyces. This evening he’s come round asking me to reconsider, and to stay at his tonight. I declined and said no I want my last night here even though I’m sleeping on the sofa as I’ve sold the beds.

So what will tomorrow bring?