Can’t beat the beach to blow away your pain & its Mums beach

I’ve spent yesterday bagging up Mums clothes for charity, manly to save my brothers, charity in clear bags and rubbish in black. I completed this task in silence it helps me. Although I’ve never felt loneliness like it, don’t get me wrong I like my space but this was different.

My cousin coming up Monday to put some of Mums furniture in my container as I gave all my furniture away when leaving my home to rent in spain for the winter months.

So today I thought sod it, embrace my surroundings. So I headed of to the beach the sea was mad I was lovely. I sat and had a coffee people watching just wondering what their life’s where like. I strolled back walking close to the edge just looking out to sea, where are they? Mum and Frankie my sister, their free, free as birds.

I came back lite candles and meditated pure bliss, stillness. Followed by yoga by candle light. My time is nearly done here before I head back home, firstly to load more into my container, then to sign contacts on number 3 Blakes Cottage, before flying away for ten days with my eldest Daughter and my Granddaughter. Stillness!!


Mums Funeral

The day had come, my girls all travel up together and met us at the funeral directors . As we all walked over I look with pride my three girls and son in law, they’d all been to so many funerals in their short life’s, as we all gathered my elder Brother with his family, my younger Brother with his friends.

The hurst pulled up, big lump in my throat it was real, one by one we got in to the two other cars. The journey to the crematorium seemed to take hours. As we palled up Conkie was waiting, he made his own way there as he and his little family where flying off on holiday. Uncle Robin was there with Auntie Reany, massive hugs with uncle robin, cousins a few friends that grew up with us and the parties mum use to through.

Entering the chapel we took our seats, as I looked back my two brothers where carrying Mum in, their faces the pain was oozing from them. The reverent was such a lovely man, as he began to talk about Mum her sense of humor came through a long with my little sister that passed eighteen years ago, it was as if she was there with us.

The reverent went on to tell my brothers memories and my thanks which read like this;

I was truly blessed to have ten days looking after Mum in her home, after mum leaving Lymington hospital.

Mum was a true warrior through her pain, also keeping her sense of humour shouting with a giggle where’s my tea!

Twice we watched “Back in time for tea” we watched firstly the 1960 reflecting how the world was, being born in 1964 ouch the conversation rolled along, one comment which we’ve always said “We can draw our pension together” the second was the 1970 and how our World had changed. Both moaning like a couple of old ladies about processed food and gadgets.

Little did I know these would be very special memories to me, as even though Mum was terminal I never quite believed it.

As I stood there I felt tears rolling down my face which is not like me, as I swore to my self when leaving home at sixteen I would never cry for myself. Maybe the sadness as it could of been so so different or the fact we’d reached full circle “it was over” I looked along at my girls all tears rolling my Brothers too. It was real Mum had really died and all within six weeks.

Leaving the chapel Rod Stewart played “For ever young”

We all made our way back to the smugglers, as wakes go it was small sweet and pleasant. The night before I had two bottles of red wine with a friend, which helped me zoom out but by this time I was feeling it. I made my way around the room talking to everyone Auntie Reney was going on about my Mums drunken phone calls and soon uncle Robin too, yes she was a erratic alcohol and we never saw eye to eye, but really why talk about it today. I pointed out it was an illness and how I hoped one day just one day Mum would except me.

Slowly everyone started to leave, I came back to Mums with my friends and had an afternoon nap, shower then back to the smugglers for dinner. That evening my elder brother hit the bottle and text me saying how lovely my girls are and said well done, and yes “she is like me” I immediately replied Sophie? As they had words two days afterMums passing.

So today I’ve just sat here, in Mums house, now what? I sold my home, to rent in Spain to improve my quality of life, managed to get out the contact when Mum was taken ill now I’ve nearly signed on a tiny two bed cottage paying up front as I don’t work to once again stop and revaluate my life. But first I’m going on holiday with my Granddaughter as I’m craving innocence and feel I’ve neglected her since the beginning of the year.

Seven weeks, where did that go!

I’ve been here at Mums seven weeks now, I’ve never felt so tired and lonely but as I lie here in bed with Mitch at the other end with his own pillow. Since December 2017 I’ve recovered from a week in hospital with pneumonia, packed and moved out of my home, my belongings in four different locations, driven over to Spain with a friend signed up on a six month contract on a small two bed bungalow with pool for €250 each. Flue back to the UK for a lung check up, within days of landing I was told my Mum had terminal cancer, obviously I cancelled spain and moved here to stay with mum who passed away two weeks today.

I keep thinking of the blessing in having ten days of looking after mum even though in a hospital bed down stairs we had a little time together with no interference from other family members or alcohol. It was a true blessing after our toxic and manipulative relationship over the last fifty four years the circle is complete.

We met the vicar yesterday that’s leading Mums funeral we covered the service and how it will flow, the Vicar then asked the three of us to come up with an old memory each to add to the service, we have until Monday. I sat there and my mind was a blank, not one nice memory came forward in my mind, this can’t possibly be right!! Other than the ten days of looking after mum before passing to the spirit world.

I must pull myself together, this is not the way forward. I’m flying in nine days with my Granddaughter for ten days, I’m craving innocence, special time with Boo. I’ve neglected her since selling my home, once I arrive back hopefully I will be moving in to number 3. A tiny weeny cottage hidden off the high street. Six months to decide which way to go just sitting still and not having to run anymore.

Where, What, When And How!

So as I lay here on my mums bed totally fatigued and throbbing burning pain from my spine, “I think to myself what a wonderful world” haha that just popped out. But truly I’ve signed up to a private rent cottage, I’m 54 what can I do with my life whilst feeling this amount of pain. I’ve been down the pain killer root, zombie comes to mind!

I’ve over the last couple of years educated myself on nutrition, pain management of my own pain, qualified Reiki healer, meditator, yoga, I’ve been palled to shamisam over the last year, I know the weather makes a huge difference but let’s be honest, how am I ever going to financially manage to live abroad and live? There must be something, I can’t lift nor carry due to my neck. I refuse to let this be my life.