All The Threes Number 3

My beautiful little sister passed on the 03/03/2000. Aged 33. The Number 3

The number of the room my Mum is in at the hospice. The Number 3.

On Mums white board in her room is my Mums name Sue, her nurses today are Sue and Susie, The Number 3.

The cottage I’ve inquired about is. The Number 3.

Do I need to get away from The Number 3 or is it a sign to take the cottage The Number 3?

Google Findings

Number 3 resonates with the energies of optimism and joy, inspiration and creativity, speech and communication, good taste, imagination and intelligence, sociability and society, friendliness, kindness and compassion. Number 3 also relates to art, humour, energy, growth, expansion and the principles of increase, spontaneity, broad-minded thinking, synthesis, triad, heaven-human-earth, past-present-future, thought-word-action, demonstrates love through creative imagination, comprehensive, fulfilment, encouragement, assistance, talent and skills, culture, wit, a love of fun and pleasure, freedom-seeking, adventure, exuberance, brilliance, free-form, being brave, non-confrontational, free-form, rhythm, passion, surprise, sensitivity, self-expression, affability, enthusiasm, youthfulness, enlivenment, psychic ability, manifesting and manifestation.


Visiting Mum with her dog Mitch in the Hospice

Took little Mitch (my Mums dog) in to the hospice today and have to say I was shocked how quickly once again her health has changed, Mum wasn’t really with it, I sat with Mitch on my lap just looking and our life flashing before my eyes.

I can’t explain how I feel, I’m numb and silent, there’s so much I want to know and ask. Why was I never good enough? What was the reason for Mums rejection? Even now everything is a secret from me, it’s all between Mum and my two brothers. Still there’s control. Why?

It started snowing “look Mum it’s snowing” Mum said it never snows here because she lives by the coast, but it snowed and it snowed hard.

This is why the hospice is called “Oakhaven

Wrong doings

A crazy five days, we have had panic from my brothers about mums medication and breathing. Secret one to one visit with Conkie, Bubba and Beege I’m assuming about Mums will.

So as Beege has been keeping his distance and I’m falling apart in my own illness, lack of sleep and anxiety on my future after having to sell my home due to debt and bad health. I thought it was a good idea to tell my brother I needed time out from caring for Mum with four stage cancer. So I did Friday and Saturday night I headed home and sofa surfed at my friends Suzy’s.

I headed home after a visit from mums Dr, I asked to limit the amount of tablets and represcrition of other meds. Then hit the road leaving my brothers, as I was leaving Mums eyes followed me to the front door, I knew panic was creeping in on her, but I needed to get away.

a few Gin and Tonics Friday night and a chilling Saturday night. Sunday morning I awoke with panic texts from my elder brother so headed back to Mums early a good hour and a half drive. By the time I’d arrived he had called 111 out of hours Drs, community nurse. The Doctors arrived and agreed to send Mum to the Hospice to monitor Mums pain and breathing. I followed the ambulance and helped settle Mum in to her room. To be honest I felt a little guilty about going away as I know Mum wanted to stay at home as long as possible.

I went back to mums and poor old Mitch was crying like a baby. He soon settled once I was in he sleeping snoring his head off on the bed with me even has his own pillow, poor little thing really can’t make out what’s going on. A benefit of the hospice is I can take Mitch in.

The following evening my younger Brother came back from the hospice, getting fed up that my life has stopped being in spain and both my Brothers life’s are the same with the added visits to see Mum. I asked him why the will and mums funeral which has already been organised, plus the one to one private visit with mum with a few family members, was being kept a secret from me? So I asked about the will to be told my little brother will be inheriting the whole of mums house!! Yep I felt hurt, it’s the control even at this stage of mums life. Why have I given spain up to stay at mums!!

It has taken me years to heal from my Mothers narstisis control and rejection, now she will pass with the final rejections. It was bad enough when Mum put Nan’s wrong will through probate. As my Nan had left fifty percent to me to pay my shared ownership Mortages off to help me with mine and my sister children upbringing, and what’s worse is my elder a brother and his wife where whiteness to the will. So here we go again!!

Do I have it in me to detest the will? My elder Brother is so please I’m here as it takes pressure of him!! Yet he was the one to make me redundant wrongly. You see I have never taken action against their behest they carry on with the way they all treat me!! I cannot afford emotionally to get hurt onMums departure from this earth, my Babies first born and cheeky monkey too have been rejected. Why just why!

I Need CBD Oil, bloody and pharmaceuticals. Money money money!!!

The worst day, it’s been so hectic with carers in, health assessments blur blur blur. I live with fibromyalgia and osteoarthritis of the spine and my bones and mussels are permanently on fire with pain. But to watch my Mum in this pain is so inhuman. Normally I’d smoke a joint every night it’s the best mussel relaxant I’ve come across in my twelve years of pain but since having pneumonia I’ve been baking it and eating it in yogurt. Obviously I can’t give that to my Mum because of the high. She’s on morphine patches and oral every two hours, but her breathing is not to good either.

It’s just so bloody inhuman for anyone to suffer when there’s a cure out there. It’s the exactly same cancer my Mums brother died from three years ago. It just makes me so bloody angry. The amount of pain she or anyone else has to feel with out being totally off their face on morphine. Isn’t it degrading enough loosing control of your toilet needs. The pharmaceutical companies need shooting making money out of ill people.

I’ve been addicted to morphine myself after my second neck operation eight years ago and had to ween myself off. That’s when I took control of my own illness. But when your in so much pain you trust your GP,s and take anything to stop the pain.

It’s wrong on all levels!!

For every illness, Mother Nature produces her own cure!