Sending you loving, to move on with my life 

Sat thinking oh my, there are three people that have put an offer in on my shared ownership home. My thought was to sell due to debt and disability and long term rent in spain. For €500 I can rent a two bed in a safe environment plus hoping for a better quality of life due to warmer and dryer climate. But this morning I’ve woken up with all the pain again on my shoulders and right side of my neck. Only five days ago I had five steroids injections on the right side of my neck. Am I really kidding myself!!

Trapped, between debt and illness. Having to sell my family home to clear debt having know where enough to buy anything else. I’ve been told I have to live off my capital until my benefits can kick back in.

Not what I planned for my life, to add to it I keep finding myself getting involved with toxic men maybe because I’m a emypth, I’m so wanting to make others fre better and forget about myself, even more so my children are all independent. 

What a waist of energy. 

Effects Of Narcissistic Parenting

1. Chronic self-blame. Narcissistic parents may or may not be openly abusive, but they’re almost certainly emotionally tone deaf, too preoccupied with their own concerns to hear our pain. Because emotionally sensitive children who long for love can’t simply walk out the door and find a new family, they often nurture hope by sacrificing their self-esteem. “I’m the problem,” they tell themselves. “If I were quieter, calmer, or happier, my mother wouldn’t yell at me, ignore me, or criticize me all the time. If I fix myself, I’ll finally be loved.” Sadly, we often blame ourselves for what’s missing from our lives to preserve a shred of hope.
2. Echoism. If you’re particularly sensitive or empathic by nature, you’re more likely to respond to narcissistic parenting with a stance I call echoism, named after the nymph Echo, who was cursed to repeat back the last few words she heard. Just as Narcissus fell in love with his reflection, Echo fell in love with Narcissus. Narcissistic parents who explode without warning, or collapse in tears any time a child dares to express a need, force sensitive children to take up as little room as possible, as if having any expectations at all is an act of selfishness. Like Echo, echoists struggle to have a voice of their own—and often end up with extremely narcissistic partners.
3. Insecure attachment. Think of secure attachment as our degree of comfort with becoming close to and depending on others in healthy ways. The neglect, abuse, or emotional absence of a narcissistic parent can make us question how safe we are in other people’s hands. Roughly speaking, insecure attachment can take two forms: avoidant attachment, in which we manage our fears by shutting people out (I’ll never risk depending on anyone ever again!) and anxious attachment, where we chase after love, pursuing—sometimes angrily—the connection we long for with our loved ones (Why won’t you pay attention to me!). Whether you become anxious or avoidant depends on a complex combination of temperament and consistency in care and attention, but ongoing neglect tends to create avoidance, and unpredictable attention generally yields anxiety.
4. Need-panic. A related problem is something I call need-panic. Narcissistic parents can make their children terrified of their needs, who bury them by becoming compulsive caretakers or simply falling silent. They may hum along for a while, seeming to need nothing from their partners or friends. Then, a crisis hits, and suddenly—in ways they find deeply unsettling—they call their friends incessantly or seek constant reassurance. The quickest way to eliminate a need, after all, is to get it met immediately; paradoxically, the people most afraid of their needs are apt to seem the most “needy.”
5. Fierce independence. Outgoing, adventurous children may respond to narcissistic parenting by abandoning emotional intimacy altogether, believing that no one can be trusted or relied on. This is impossible to sustain, naturally, and can easily engender intermittent need panic. Alternatively, children with more sensitive temperaments may become compulsively selfless caretakers, as if the only way they can enjoy nurturance is vicariously, by providing others with the warmth and caring they never enjoyed.
6. The parentified child. Temperamentally sensitive children (who are often gifted empaths) can develop a laser-like focus on their parents’—and later, their partners’—needs. They organize their lives around the happiness of others, convinced they have to bolster their parents’ esteem (of course you’re pretty!) or prevent their next explosion (I’ll get your snack, you’re stressed!) by closely minding their every desire or whim. The frightened child turned little adult often grows up to worry endlessly about their selfishness. They may even grow to hate their own needs, viewing them as a burden to others.
7. Extreme narcissism. The more aggressive a child is by nature, the more likely they are to respond to narcissistic parenting by playing a game of if you can’t beat them, join them: “I’ll just make sure I’m the loudest, prettiest, smartest person in the room. That way no one can make me feel unimportant again.” If you’re born with a stubborn, bombastic temperament and exposed to the kind of neglectful or abusive parenting narcissists often provide, you’re more likely to end up narcissistic yourself.
8. Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). The more abusive narcissistic parents become, the more likely they are to traumatize their children. That can lead to a fearful approach to life and to PTSD. Abuse throws us into a state of constant alertness, vigilantly prepared to dodge the next danger. This typically leads to chronic anxiety, sudden memories of abuse, emotional numbing, and even a foreshortened sense of future, in which people become so fixed on simply surviving that they lose the ability to imagine life beyond the present. One client felt certain, for example, that he wouldn’t see his 30th birthday. When living represents a constant threat, there’s no room for a five-year plan. The future becomes nebulous, even opaque, and when that happens, mapping out the next steps in life is like trying to walk through a brick wall.

I must be crazy!

Two weeks since we split due to him going back to his Ex of sixteen years, for the second time behind my back. 

I’ve spent this time, working on myself as I know I’m far from perfect. So I thought I’d put the negatives energy to good use. In my day to day life I forgive, I trust, I love and I continue to grow.  But once I have a drink of wine and don’t know my limits due to medication, my hurt and pain raise it’s nasty head, although I’ve dealt with theses feelings for some reason my subconscious refuses to heal and forget.

Twice this year I’ve found myself on the Shanan path, intrigued as from an early age I’ve always believed in the Red Indian way of life and their beliefs. I’m always attracted to turquoise, believe if we need to kill something then nothing should go to waist, life is a circle and for every natural disease there’s a gift from Mother Nature to cure it. So the first time I started looking into it was January 2017 recovering from my kidney operation and wow that was a tuff one. And now again after a deceitful relationship, strangely enough when I found out, I was so calm I need to ask my kind friend Lisa to help me understand why. Maybe due to my chronic pain raising, I have more things to contend with.  

But I believe in my heart of hearts I knew, you see their 16 year relationship has always been on off. They only lived together for four years at the beginning other than that it seems she loves his wallet and he’s addicted to her sex. She controls him with it for material things. I believe he’s really insurer deep down. Also my body doesn’t let me get away with a great amount of sex due to pain. Am I being rediculas having him back in my life? The way I see it is there’s no long term relationship going to happen between them, as he said I’ve shown him real love.

My house is sold just waiting for completion date, then I shall rent a room for a couple of weeks before heading to Spain to rent for the winter, he too wants the same thing and with him having family and friends out there it makes it easier and safer with my medical history, got to be worth a try as every winter I’m spending more and more time in bed with the damp.

So I suppose I do have an alternative motive, but also believe he really loves me. It’s not if he’s having an affair with someone new, it’s his addiction to her that needs to be broken. Or am I just a classic Empaths or codependent? 


What was the reason, I ask?

Again, he cheats! Out and about after a loving day and fun night.  synchronization happens again, whilst in the supermarket with him, then a woman walks in. I look as I seem to know her our eyes glaze at each other, then she walks over. I was more shocked at her language than what she had to say.  Anyway she told me he spent the weekend with her and Monday and Thursday. And to think Friday he bought his son round about renting my house whilst we live in spain!! What a human. But the universe helped synchronization for my heart and future. 

My reaction was zero, I still went back to his, calm and remained calm. The next day I went home and even cooked him a roast. We spoke a little, he tried to put the blame on her, when in real he’s played us both, I feel for her 16 years in a angry disfunctional relationship “On Off, On Off”

He popped round Thursday, to say he’s not slept since last Friday and his guilt is killing him, he knows I could never trust his word again, still remaining calm if anything felt for him and the actions he seems to have done wrong by many people in his life that it’s lead him to sleepless nights and alcohol.

House going back on the market, I do believe that I unsubconsciously I’ve been looking for someone that I could fall in love with that maybe as one we could save this home, the home which is the happy place and core of my family since the passing of my sister. All four children have lived here but now all moved on with their own life’s. 

Now I shall grab it, sell it and embrace my new future.