Got to brake the circle 


When will I learn! I fall fast and hard in love and this has to be the last time, who would of thought falling in love could effect your health.

Met this guy back in February 2017 we knew each other back in the nineties, anyway the thing was that we both had plans to sell our homes and move to Spain it was like the universe had put him in front of me on perpose. 

Four months in and he’s been unfaith which I found out by mistake. So broken, not by him so much but by myself choosing a rebel with a ego once again. Anyway I decided to for give him and move on, as it was with his ex with sixteen years history.

He’s now sold his house I’ve helped him move into his flat with no mortgage and he’s settled. Looking at my own life jeez 2017 kidney operation back in January. Had my plan to sell due to debt and benefits, but guess what? Yep still here. 

Thinking of words: if it Doesn’t work out you can go back to plan a. Now he’s wanting to rent in spain and not buy. Advising to keep my shared ownership home as a base and put his son here to rent one room. If I can’t get over him being unfaithful he’d rather go alone, he was going to rent his flat out but now not sure!

Why do I attract these men and why do I put so much of my energy into them? When  living with chronic pain and fatigue?

I’m so scared and maybe over analyse things but still at fifty three can’t get it right, someone to love me for me without being a doormat! 

Thursday I gave a dear friend reiki and guided meditation on letting go and self worth it was beautiful to feel I’d helped someone. But yet I also help the wrong ones at a cost to my health.

I also had a call from mother well two hours, explaining why she’s buying her next home in my brothers name. Blur blur blur as usual it ended up with me having to put the phone down for every running me down fifty three years of it! Al because she gave birth to me at sixteen I’m blamed for taking her life and my beautiful deceased sisters children. My sister would have done the same for me had I died at a young age leaving my children motherless. My mum I’m afraid is a narstistis Mother and treated my sister and my self the same, where our brothers could do no wrong. To top it off she’s also a alcoholic. I’ve tried so many times for her exceptans but now come to terms this will never happen.

So all in all a very emotional week. Do I go forward with this man that’s not excacley bring anything to my life! Although he’s purchased a holiday to Spain for us both in two weeks, also to get our NI numbers and Spanish bank accounts. Which I will need either way.

Sat in bed on a Saturday morning 10.04 with out the energy to get up. The kiddies keep me going all four of them I’m so proud of them all. 

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