As I lay here


I feel almost complete! Just need to take Bubba away. Bubba decided she didn’t want to come away at Christmas as she wanted to spend it with friends. Conkie had a baby which arrived in October, so his first family Christmas with his little man.

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24/12/2016 4.05am


Laying in bed with my beautiful Granddaughter whilst it -5 out side. Second night in four nights first born and cheeky monkey decide to hit the bars, the night before Christmas Eve well it is Christmas Eve. Worried as any mum would be, I went out on the balcony to have another cig to be amazed by the bright shining stars lighting the sky up, as I look up asking the universe for a sign, but all I hear are wild dogs.

I treated myself to a full body massage with hot stones today to warm my brittle sore bones, oh it felt so good. As I went into total relaxation I imaged myself also receiving healing from the universe in a piramid all of a sudden I felt my spirit guide he bent over to kiss my third eye and said don’t give up! But as I lay here my back is on fire, electric shocks traveling like the speed of lightning. My heart beat beating so loud at the back of my head and my left ear throbbing so hard Nothing I do brings soothing or calm.

What am I doing here? Trying to bring joy to my family but at the same time disrespecting my pain that the univers feel fit for me to feel. One day maybe I will get to understand!

Which way! 


So it’s the 6th December 2016. I fly to Bulgaria on the 20th for a white Christmas with my first born, my Granddaughter and cheeky Monkey. But all of a sudden I’m finding my self anxious about the holiday. The pain in my right kidney has really started to kick in, first born has been drawn back into her exs web…. feeling frustrated as cheeky monkeys Off to Australia in March 2017. But that girl needs to fly, a real worker since the age of 14, I’m scared as we are all the same after a little drink. Worrying about my Granddaughter being the protector instead of a child.

He’s left her in London, shouting I hope you get raped!! Spat in her face, finished and controlled her emotions in Ibiza, she welcomed him in to her home, put a bed for his Daughter in my Granddaughters bedroom. Takes steroids. But yet she go’s back!!!

Bubba comes of her motorbike, it’s kept a secrete! But thankful she’s ok. Cheeky monkey go’s without and works a 40 week to travel and spread her wings & rightly so.

I have op after op and feel so worn out I could cry. I pray for health and happiness for my girls & conkie   As that would give me happiness and peace.