Sixteen years and it still feels like yestaday ❤️


Sixteen years ago today my little sister passed away at the Age of thirty three. I still relive the day every year. She left a seven year old Son and a five months old Daughter as well as two Nieces we where all so close.

Living opposit each other, being pregnant together with only three days apart. We really where soul Sisters.

That dreadful day I had a knock at the door from a friend saying I need to get to the stables quick as my sister had collapsed. As I drove what felt 200 miles an hour I came head to head with the ambulance as it was a small dirt road. I flashed and shouted is my sister in there??? I had to follow to the hospital as they wouldn’t let me in.

I followed up to the stables as my sisters baby was with her, called a friend to collect her and the other three from school.  I told her I’d meet her later at my home.

Driving to the hospital, I just knew in my heart she had gone, I remember shouting through my sun roof “don’t you dare, come back now”

When I entered the hospital to say my sister had been bought in, they showed me to that dreaded room my heart just dropped. I shouted inject her jump her heart, she has two children and she’s only thirty three.

One by one the family arrived, my brother in law, his Mum and Brothers. My Mum and Brothers. Once my Sisters husband arrived her next to kin, we where told. She’d passed away……..I shouted the children can’t be separated as they had different fathers. Afterward there was just silent, my Mums heart was broken, I remember running out side and throwing up, oh my god I don’t have a sister, without I’m like a bird with no wings.

Now for the hard part, we all arranged to meet at my house to tell the children together. HOW!!!

I walked in and my eldest then fourteen was coming down the stairs with the baby she’d just bathed. Our eyes met no words where needed she knew and screamed Noooooooo they where so so close, she use to come home from school chuck her bag through the door and run over to her Auntie to help with the baby.

My Brother in Law tried so hard bless him to tell my Sisters Son but couldn’t get his words out, that poor man he was only twenty six and had already loss his Father on his twenty first. My heart just broke again and again.

My eldest Brother told my Daughter and my Sisters Son that she was now a star in the sky shining brightly down on them.

My Mum and Brother then told me and my younger Brother we all had to go to my Grandmothers to inform her together, due to the shock I just followed. But I should of stayed with the children.

After returning from my Grandmothers everyone just went their own ways totally broken.

My Brother in law headed home across the road with his Mum and Baby, our homes were that close we could see into each other’s rooms.

I put my two girls and my Sisters Son to bed all together in my bed, sitting on the bottom of the bed watching them, their little faces, in total shock and disbelief. I just sat there I case they awoke thinking it’s just a bad dream.

The phone started ring, the news had got round one after another the calls just kept on coming. I found myself comforting everyone. Then the time came I just screamed, for god sake I have the children here.

for weeks we all walked round in shock, my eldest saw my sister whilst in her bedroom, screaming she run down the stairs I’ve just seen her, she walked into my bedroom with her jodhpurs on. I never dismiss as I’ve always believed. I replied she came to say goodbye. My eldest carried on with the routine my sister taught her with the baby.

My youngest just followed my Sisters Son around like a shadow, he never talked for a while just kicked his football around. There was only three days between them.

my heart was so so broken, the loss of my Sister and best friend and the hurt and pain total disbelief on these four kiddies faces.

The time between my Sisters passing and her funeral was horrendous. As the poor soul had to have two autopsys.

The funeral soon came round, my Brother in law and myself dressed and prepared the children for the day a head of them. The cars arrived and I remember taking my Sisters Son out to the car he said “can I see Mumma?” My heart just creased with pain. 

We followed the hurst and my Mother, Nan and Brothers followed us. I don’t remember anyone in the church but it was packed. We walked the children to the front of the church and took our seat. I never in a million years thought I’d be in this church with the funeral of my sister, when two years prior she married the happiest day of her life other than having her children. 

We crawl through the day with dignity, although her body had gone there’s not a day when I haven’t felt her beside me. 

After the funeral people disappear back to their own life’s. Hopefully taking a message that life is for living in the now.

My Brother in law and I carried on try to keep life as normal as possible, loving them, trips to the beach, their pain was unbearable to watch sometimes as well as dealing with our own grief. 

Eighteen months had passed and we had two court cases one from my Sisters Sons father and the other from my Mother for access. We had stopped access due to her drinking and on one poticula night she was sitting my eight year old and my sisters Daughter then aged ten months, we where called by the police to say there had been a call out for drunken disputed with her naibourgh the kiddies where petrophied so once again I stopped access, mothers drinking had been going on for donkeys years. It may  sound cruel but our top priority was the children. It was mothers illness and for so many years we’d try to help, cover it up even excuse her aggressive angry behaviour. 

We arranged a camping holiday in the south of France and travel in a camper stopping at night stops to enjoy our journey at this stage the children where 16, 9, 9, and 22 months. 

We arrived and tried to be a family unit, still all sharing our grief. All most covering our selfs in a bubble, that know one could destroy. They had fun, sea, ice cream and mostly important love and routine. There where even a few laughs and little smiley faces.

After arriving home the little one toddled over to me and called me “Mumma” my heart pored with joy but also saddness without knowing in our grief we had created a family with four wonderful children. 

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